Rockstar have a long and illustrious history of adding dirty little secrets into their games, and they seem to have whole-heartedly embraced the freer limitations of such an adult franchise as Grand Theft Auto, if the raunchy Easter Eggs and sexy hidden secrets within each game (especially the later ones) are anything to go by.
Naturally, most will mention the presence of the Hot Coffee mini-game that was “removed” from San Andreas, before modders found the code all nicely retained within the skeleton of the game (definitely not on purpose, or anything,) and there are seemingly hundreds of dirty Eggs that are just as provocative (more so in most cases,) which got a pass despite being much more adult.
Hiding these Eggs turns controversial content into a reward, and it’s probably fair to say that GTA fans would now think something was wrong if they weren’t uncovering something sordid out of the corner of their eye while wandering around a vast Rockstar universe.
And of course GTA V is no different – packed to the gills with Easter Eggs to an almost unprecedented level, the game offers so much more than its main storylines, thanks not only to the many, many side missions, but also the little secret touches that build a mythology around the universe and make it so much more engaging. Naturally, a good deal of those flourishes are dedicated to boobs, butts and penises.
There was a fairly insistent rumour from around a month ago that the game would allow protagonists to get their genitals pierced, if that sort of thing floats your boat, thanks to the presence of visiting tattoo artist Boonie, who specialised in genital piercing. That one, for now, remains to be confirmed, but you have to think that even Rockstar might draw the line at showing full-frontal pierced male nudity.
Or maybe they wouldn’t.
Very much on the raunchier side of the findable Easter Eggs, considering the topless inhabitants wandering around even during the day, but it’s more than likely that you’ve discovered Rockstar’s architectural tribute to Hugh Hefner by now, especially since we’ve included it in our run down of the best Grand Theft Auto Easter Eggs already.
And linked to the Playboy Mansion is the first of our raunchy little secrets…
12. Don’t Be A Perv
Taking selfies is a big thing in this Rockstar world, and the fully functioning camera on the player’s phone can lead to some hilarious situations, as we have already pointed out in our recent run-down of the best GTA V selfies we’ve seen so far in the game.
Slightly bucking the trend of naughtiness at the same time as reinforcing it, it is possible to take pictures of the topless girls partying at the Playboy Mansion.
Unfortunately, and somewhat confusingly, the girls won’t actually react as positively as they would in a real, legitimately organised photoshoot with a photography professional as opposed to a crazed man running through the grounds of their haven with several high-powered weapons and a worrying look on their face.
Taking photos with your phone without request will lead to the girls kicking right off, calling you a creep (understandably) and then getting their boyfriends to pick a fight with you. This is clearly only a minor disruption, since fully automatic weapons are far more powerful a dissuasion tool than disgruntled boyfriends.
11. Obsessed With 69?
There’s nothing childish about Grand Theft Auto’s concept – in fact, it is provocatively anti-childish, and its controversy comes largely because of the way the franchise invites players to enjoy adult activities in a fundamentally child-like way. It’s perverse, occasionally puerile, and hugely entertaining, and it’s mostly thanks to the commitment to story-telling, the vast open-world and the characters – but then you start to notice the little jokes and nods that add a whole new level, such as Rockstar’s apparent obsession with the number 69.
It’s nice to see the commitment to furthering the school-yard fascination with the number, and its sexy (and logistically quite difficult) implications, peppered throughout the GTA V world, like the graffiti tag on the back of the Vinewood sign, or the fact that the game has 69 main missions. And if you’re looking even closer, you might find some tittering in the fact that the Los Santos Country Club has a hole length of 169 yards.
This of course all follows on from the presence of Area 69 in San Andreas, which was far less sexy than it initially sounded.
No matter how much you might admire the flagrant anti-social naughtiness of the meme dedicated to it, there is nothing “sexy” at all about the Goatse internet phenomenon, or indeed the worrying, and painful looking behaviour it stems from.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GOOGLE IT.
Following on from their other Meme references – such as the Courage Wolf nod, and the brief little allusions to internet phenomena like Turtle Boy, the game also includes a thankfully tasteful reference to the Goatse meme.
As you drive around Rockstar’s giant world, look out for the number plates of passing taxi cabs – as a “celebration” of the meme, some of them carry the registration number “80AAT533″. One for the eagle-eyed, certainly, and perhaps not one you should be particularly pleased about discovering, given what that say about your internet-based recreational activities.
And that’s not the only anal reference…
9. The Naughty Gnomes
Not even the simple world of the garden gnome is left untouched by the sordid pervery of Rockstar’s developers.
Out in Vinewood Hills, on the edge of the desert, not far from the runaway bride’s home, there is a small collection of garden gnomes, posed harmlessly by a white fence. It all seems pretty picturesque – an idealised version of the American suburban dream – as you look at the first two gnomes, painted and posed traditionally, one with a fishing rod and the other with a lantern.
And then you see the third gnome, bent over, with his pants down, and clearly spreading his cheeks.
Some Easter Egg hunters have suggested that the dirty little devil might be presenting ready for penetration, or that he’s simply offering a cheeky moon to anyone lucky enough to find him. But it’s fairly obvious, given the Goatse reference previously mentioned, that the distasteful spreading action is another nod to that unfortunately viral, bottom-based activity.
Elsewhere in the game, the same gnome is posed bending over in front of another of his less naughty-looking friends, giving the impression, as in the image at the top, that the two have been rumbled about to make sweet, sweet porcelain love.
8. Amanda The Solo Swinger
Michael doesn’t have the easiest life, what with all the crime and such, but his family life isn’t particularly smooth either, and it’s not just down to his annoying, over-compensating son.
The con’s relationship with his wife Amanda is strained to say the least, and the hallmarks of the crumbling relationship can be seen throughout the game, whether that’s in Amanda’s profile on the in-game dating website hushsmush (a name clearly designed to allude to secret, extra-marital smushing) or the fact that she can be found indulging in a spot of DIY at various points during the game.
Amanda clearly isn’t getting what she wants from her husband, hence her attempts to dally on the dating scene, and this is pretty much proven if you suddenly enter Michael’s bedroom, where you will occasionally find Amanda on the bed, announcing that she thought she had locked the door, and throwing away a sex toy, before going to sleep.
And all this despite the fact that there’s a copy of the karma sutra on the night stand in Michael’s bedroom. He’s clearly just not spending enough time practicising new and bold positions.
All can be revealed as to why the pair might need so much “help” if you spend time as Michael hanging out with Amanda, and have the pair go drinking, as they’ll delve deeper into their relationship.
7. Naughty Names
One of Rockstar’s favourite things to do in their GTA worlds is to hide naughty or sneaky messages in plain sight, whether that’s in findable Easter Eggs, or in the signs and building names scattered throughout the universe.
In GTA V, there’s a store called Liquor Ace, whose pronunciation again reinforces the developers’ apparent fascination with anal sex, especially when spoken with a particular American drawl.
And then there’s the AC units installed on the rooftops of buildings, which are rather comically made by a company called Wiwang, the restaurant called Nutsaki, the beer called Pißwasser, or any number of the other colourfully named companies in the game (Speedophile, STD Contractors, Swallow, ProLaps or Sprunk for example.)
There’s also a wax work venue in down town Los Santos, whose outside is daubed with the likenesses of some of the real world’s most famous stars, including Marilyn Monroe and John Wayne. The name of that venue, somewhat typically for Rockstar, is of course Wax Haven – presumably the next step up from Shaven Haven?
And of course, if you pay enough attention to the signs of Los Santos, you can discover other things, like the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not rip-off, or the invitation to enjoy as much of a particularly sordid sexual act as you can possibly tolerate…
6. Steak And Cheese
The image above might not be the cleanest posted here (but thanks have to go to Orcz.com anyway for spotting it) but its message should carry some surprisingly filthy connotations for those well-versed in the dirtier side of sexual activity.
The sign is hosted on top of Clappers restaurant – a take-off of real life venue Checkers, it seems – offering patrons All You Can Eat Steak And Cheese (on Wednesdays at least,) which sounds simple and safe enough unless you happen to know the double-meaning of the featured dish.
When your hobbies just won’t cut it, and your sexual appetite has long since moved past the stage where normal gratification just isn’t diverting enough, you could try something like steak and cheese,
This of course could also be a blink-and-you’ll miss it reference to the amateur porn and hardcore video site of the same name, suggesting that the Rockstar team burn as much time on inappropriate websites as their army of fans, but the invitation to eat seems to suggest that the urban definition is the more likely, and far more harrowing possibility.
5. Sexy Yoga
Rockstar’s dedication to bringing in more past-times and leisure activities to while away the hours within GTA V’s world is one of the reasons why the game is so successful: it has become more than a simple endeavour to complete missions, it’s more like a second life style game where the real world simulations are engaging mini-games and side concerns in their own rights.
And chief among those past-times is the ability to take yoga lessons under the private tutelage of Master Private Yoga Instructor Fabien LaRouche, whose particular brand of Yoga differs somewhat to the traditional, tranquil set-up yoga fans might be accustomed to.
Positions include the Punching Starfish (requires slow entry, in case the partner weeps), the Downward Facing Camel (encouraging the third eye to open to increse the flow of divine love) and the Lucky Triangle (which often requires a safe word). It’s pretty clear from the positions (above) and the descriptions alluded to, that these are particularly sexualised versions of normal yoga poses, and that LaRouche is just as sordid as the rest of the GTA cast of characters.
4. Sexy Golf
Following on from GTA V’s sordid version of yoga, there’s also a reference to an altogether more dirty version of golf than you might be used to, if you’re a fan of dragging a heavy bag of metal around a giant field and unsuccessfully navigating big holes full of sand.
This one isn’t actually taken from the game itself, but rather the Los Santos & Blaine County Travelogue, which hinted at what GTA V players could get up to in the game ahead of release. Under the country club section, the Travelogue talks about the progressive club, which ignores the usually limited rules on gender-bias in the sport of golf, as suggested in the message below, which accompanies the image above:
“Thanks to equality laws passed recently, the LS Country Club has announced the admittance of two carefully selected women. Of course all are welcome to enroll for membership, though the selection criteria are kept confidential for legal reasons.”
Clearly that means adding strippers to the course to make aiming for the hole a whole new ball game.
Now, that’s probably not the kind of behaviour that your normal, run-of-the-mill golf course would accept, and there was certainly very little mention of it in Bagger Vance, and it probably explains why the country club comes with a hefty price tag of $150,000,000 for anyone who wants to sell out for that type of luxury.
3. Life Invader Extra Features
Not content with simply killing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, Rockstar clearly wanted to bait the king of nerds even more by casting aspersions on some of the social network’s more sordid users, as well as offering a side-swipe at one notoriously failed technological off-shoot of the website.
As just one of the immersive, cleverly executed commercials to appear in the GTA V universe, it would be quite easy not to notice some of the details within Rockstar’s in-game ad for Life Invader (the thinly-veiled stab at Facebook) but you don’t have to be particularly attentive to have noticed that the website also has a tablet (a parody of Zuckerberg’s failed Facebook phone, no doubt.)
Without too much explanation, the advert clearly suggests that the tablet allows the user to insert their penis into the tablet, to “dock” with other users, and while the advert seems to suggest that as a holding technique for hands free typing, the subtler moments, like the artwork of two phalluses coming together, and the inference of the term “docking” suggests a far more dirty reason.
For the uninitiated or sheltered players out there, docking involves the coming together of two penises, in a unique, and wholly inappropriate-for-here manner.
2. Rusty Brown’s Ring Donuts
A grand Theft Auto game wouldn’t be the same without a reference to Rusty Brown’s Ring Donuts – sending up Dunkin’ Donuts from the real world – and GTA V is no different.
From the earliest references in Vice City, which were accompanied by some hilarious, lurid commercials on Flash FM and Fever 105 in which fans of the chain spoke of their preference to “lick lovingly around the outside and then thrust my tongue in the middle.” and how they “just love the batter. All over my face,” Rusty Brown’s has become a staple of the Rockstar universe.
Having expanded for GTA IV, it’s no surprise to see the chain return for GTA V, with a
And this time, following on from the usual delightfully inappropriate advertising campaigns, the new slogan for GTA V era Los Santos can be seen while driving around through the game, as seen in the image above. If the name wasn’t enough, or the sexualised language of the commercials in earlier games, this latest “Pick Your Ring” campaign surely has to be the icing on the anally-obsessed cake.
1. The Nudist Colony… Sort Of
The presence of a cult in GTA V was heavily publicised ahead of release, and the pay off in the game was oddly sexual, especially if you really like the sight of middle-aged men with paunches and no pants.
The Altruist Cult, as they are officially known are a group of old men, with a hatred of both modern technology and underpants, in some cases, who can be fed young drifters (they’re cannibals, obviously) and taking them four people leads to Trevor being taken into the camp at gunpoint (despite an implied history of him bringing regular “offerings” without incident.)
Trevor then must fight his way out, while being confronted by semi-nude, deranged men with heavy weapons. Some of these men, for some reason are entirely nude, with carefully crafted penises on show, which it is very easy to miss, especially if you don’t spend your time scrutinising the groins of NPCs.
This of course confirmed the pre-release rumours of full-frontal male nudity, which appeared after the game’s ESRB rating was unveiled, and mentioned “non-sexual” male nudity.
Imagine the poor intern/work experience lad (probably) who was forced to spend their coding and design days making sure the penises and testicles of the nudists cult members looked and responded in an authentic way.
Sadly for some, there is no option to shed your own clothes and embrace the welcoming bond of your fellow nudes.
In Trevor’s case, this can only be a good thing.
Incidentally, the same ESRB rating that confirmed we’d see male nudity in the game also mentioned one brief reference to necrophilia, which so far has proved elusive. Not that we’re looking too hard, but it’s interesting to see something so openly discussed ahead of the release, and then so difficult to find (no matter how brief.)
Perhaps Rockstar’s DLC is going to be REALLY bold.